Well, I’ve never done a write up of my gaming nonsense, but I might as well start somewhere. Got to get those writer fingers a-writing again. As always, Spoilers abound.
We start off in modern times, the two — archaeologist? women whose names I don’t remember are stepping into the portable maguffin machine that lets us travel back in time to see the memories of the olden times, as is the main conceit of Assassin’s Creed. There’s a spear with two blood types on it and I get to choose which character I’m going to play. I chose Alexios. The other option is sister Kassandra.
So, stepping into the machine sends me to Greece and I awaken a mercenary, I guess, on this little island called Kefalonia or something. It’s a place that everybody wants to get away from including me. The first person I meet that is not trying to immediately kill me, if I remember is Phoebe, a fellow orphan who wants Zeus to bestow an eagle upon her just like my own eagle pal. I want this too. Make it happen, Z-man! Obviously, since she seems attached to me, I am worried immediately for her continued safety.
My other cohort is the dude who must have raised me, Markos. He’s kind of a grifter type guy. Like, he has big ideas and borrows money from shifty one eyed loan sharks called ‘Cyclops’, and the less said about the Cyclops’s eye, the better. Let’s just say, I have a lot of goat pelts now.
I spend the tutorial solving Markos’s Cyclops problem (which includes the amazingly terrible idea of stealing his fake eye) and punching sharks and priests who want to murder people because they maybe, might have the plague. Whether this priest decision leads to Kefalonia’s viral downfall has yet to be seen. During the course of all this, I meet a guy named Elpenor who I absolutely 100% do not trust right off the bat. (He knows my name and is totally cool with me killing his own crew.)
I also meet Odessa, who is cool so far, but I choose not to flirt with her because she’s way too into being like her namesake and supposed relative Odysseus. I recruit her to my ship later on after I help her dad though.
Anyway, the game leads me to work for this Elpinor character, and he wants me to kill the Wolf of Sparta and bring him his head. I don’t want to do this, because I do not trust this tool, but I guess I must.
I rescue a boat guy whose name I can’t remember from the Cyclops and we sail off to other, non-sucky, islands. I can now recruit people to my boat crew by knocking them unconscious. (Some you can recruit via questing. I did not KO Odessa for the record. I also recruited a pirate woman whose crew got eaten by sharks in this manner.)
So, we learn in flashback form that the Wolf of Sparta (whose name I don’t remember) is my dad. He used to teach me how to be a real Spartan. I have a baby sister whom an Oracle told dear old Wolf Dad to throw off a cliff. No! My poor mom is crying and some dudes are holding us back, but I break free, try to save her, and in the process we are both thrown off the cliff. And this is how I came to wash up on nowhere island to be cared for by Markos of the terrible ideas.
So maybe I will go after Wolf dad after all.
When I get to where the Spartans are warring with the Athenians I am met with — my brother???? Okay, he’s the son that Wolf dad must have adopted after he threw all his kids off a cliff. Bro doesn’t believe I’m Alexios because I should be dead, but I can go see the wolf if I help him defeat the Athenians and gain control of wherever the heck territory I’m on now.
I do that.
When I confront Wolfdad, I decide I’m not going to murder his ass & bring his head to Elpinor after all. Like, I always end up trying to be as nice as a mercenary can be. He also reveals that he is not my real dad and I have to ask my mom about it wherever she is. I have to find her, but I am going to just assume I am a demi-god for now.
So, my two options are to go see the oracle at Delphi, or to meet up with Elpenor. Obviously, I’m not down with Oracles after one’s vision got me cliffed. My boat guy is down with it, though, and I just hate Elpinor more every passing moment. I figure the Oracle can maybe give me some insight into this.
That is how I failed a quest. Elpinor doesn’t get his head, and the Oracle reveals that she is making shit up at the behest of a murder cult whose murder objective is my family in particular. I can sneak into their lair if I steal the robes from a certain member– Do you want to guess who it is?
Yeah, it’s Elpinor. I feel super vindicated! Now we have reached the place where I started last night, more or less.
I handily dispatch Elpinor, so now I don’t have to worry about his duplicitous ass anymore. I forgot about Herodetos, my boat guy introduced me to him and told him way too many of my secrets for a stranger. Him, I trust though. We shall see how that turns out. He goes with me to scope out this murder cult under Apollo’s temple.
I learn there that they are worshiping some kind of futuristic pyramid thing, and a bunch of other stuff I can’t recall. I now have a bunch of cultists to end, and in my searching of their cult cave I find they are torturing the poor Oracle. I can do nothing to save her though. That is not sitting right with me, because I convinced her to talk to me about the murder cult. Alas.
When I return to the pyramid I am met face to face with my totally alive Sister. She is now the cult’s main muscle and she knows there’s a traitor in the midst. We all have to touch the pyramid now. She sees our mingled memories when it is my turn. I presume she knows I’m the thing that doesn’t belong, but she lets me go and kills some other dude instead.
Now that was something. I decided to try and defeat the giant mega boar again to take my mind off this reveal, which doesn’t work at all. I thought I might get to flirt with Daphnae, who gave me this pain in the butt quest, but alas. We will never know, because this pig is not going down any time soon.
Now, since I lack the boar hunting gene, I decide to find some quests and level up. There can’t possibly be any more world shattering reveals under this innocuous looking exclamation point in this little town. I’m just going to have to fetch a thing, get some easy, peasy, xp–easies? Let’s check it out.
Just as expected, he sends me on a quest for some herbs. Unexpectedly, I get to flirt with him. Later, after fighting a pack of wolves for these stupid herbs, Lykaon (that is his name) suspiciously holds back some for his grandma and sends me on another quest to deliver the medicines to his patients.
All of whom tell me about how cute and single he is. Okay, I get it town’s people. Twist my arm.
Now, we learn about Lykaon’s dear grandma. He wants to murder her because she is a former lying oracle that ruined lives by her lying. I might just happen to be down with this plan if she’s the lady that told my Wolf dad to throw my sis off a cliff. What do you think the odds are? Unfortunately she’s been captured and must be rescued before we get to her. I manage do this pretty easily and we find out that, yes, she is the one.
And she was lying to my Wolfdad about it, so nobody had to go over the cliff? This snake cult has fully infiltrated Greece since way back then? What is their game?? Why do they want to snuff out my fam? I guess I will find out.
Right now I am going to convince Lykaon to not kill his repentant grandma. I know she did wrong in general and to my family specifically, but… I can’t do it. I don’t let him do it either. We let grandma run away for now and instead make out under the stars and fade to black.
How far will I travel next session? Will I kill the boar? Will I find my mom and find out Zeus visited her in the form of a ferret or something? Will I dispatch some cultists? Who knows. Until next time!
So, here we are, post night at the Doctor’s abode. I feel like clearing some more ??? instead of doing any relevant questing, so I head for the nearest one. All is fine and dandy until I reach the ? and find–a Bear cave. Full of bears. Also, a soldier is chasing me, so I feel it is prudent to leave this area as soon as possible. For now the Bears have won.
I shall revisit this area later, but with my luck all these bears will probably just level up with me. Cool. The next ? is just a soldier camp, but they get me too. As a bonus, I find a really nice scenic vista as I’m running far away.
OK. Enough doing nothing. I’m to meet Herotudus at a statue on the shore at Thermopylae for questing things, so I’ll go do that. We meet in front of this lion and he gets my spear, which I suppose I didn’t realize was Leonidas’s spear. I (The player on my rocking chair me, not the player character, Alexios, me) realize that now because as soon as Herotudus touches it we get a flashback to the battle.
I had a momentary thought the Leonidas might be my secret dad, but that notion is put to bed once we are back at sea, because we’re chatting about my mom and he’s her dad, ergo my grandpa. This is a known fact, and not a mystery. So, I’m still on track to be a demi god, eh?
So, we’re actually on a quest, sailing to some island to find a huge door. Herotudus is insistent on this, so I figure I might as well even though there are lingering ?s on the map. Did I mention that naval combat is back in this game? It was 100% my favorite part of the pirate one, so yay!
I make it to the door and it turns out that it is ancient/future tech. My piece of the cult pyramid and also my spear fits neatly into this device and my spear is upgraded! Nice. Back outside where I forgot to take a screen cap, Kassandra appears to kick my ass. We have a talk that is basically me being happy to see her and trying to convince her to come with me and be a good guy. She, on the other hand, is convince she saw me throw her off the cliff in the flashback and she is just super into this cult, and believes she is a demi-god…so the cult thinks I also am a demi-god. I guess I have something in common with the cult after all. Kassandra thinks not though, and I somehow don’t have to actually fight her right now. I can’t imagine we aren’t ever going to fight though. Not looking forward to that. I run away back to my boat guy, Barnabas (He has a name!) We go fight pirates and clear off all the side quest on Achilles island!
There is a break where we travel back to our present day counterparts in the machine. I think we stole this tech or something and I learn about some previous missions through small talk with the crew and reading a bunch of sad emails. Probably they are just Easter eggs from previous games? Anyway, these present day peeps are trying to find the spear before the company they took the tech from, because it can control time itself is what I gather, but enough of this depressing warehouse. Time to get back in the memory machine for the next quest.
First a little catch-up on what I’ve been up to as Alexios the mercenary. First, we set sail from the island of Achillies after having attempted a conquest battle and failed it about a bajillion (the official number) times. I fight for Sparta; I die. I fight for Athens; I die. Also, there is another mercenary after me, I realize on my one time making it halfway through the battle. You can tell because not only is the red hat meter in the bottom corner, but they appear in the middle of battle screaming at you to come and fight them. Then they chase you around until you are dead, and since everybody else is also trying to get you during a battle, it’s best to just pay your bounty or find the other mercenary ahead of time and dispatch them one on one.
None of this matters because I am leaving this battle for another day and heading to another rando island to avoid my main quest some more. Here I come upon not one, but two animal caves. My least favorite locations to complete, because, yes, I do want a platinum trophy, thanks, but I don’t really like fighting animals unless I have to. I’d rather just let the other guys fight them, or avoid them. OH, well. Now this island contains not one, but two big old white alpha creatures to defeat. A bear and a boar! The boar is slightly easier, because it is alone, and as we learned before, for some reason bears roam in packs in this game.
Today I learned, just now as I am writing this, that a pack of bears is actually called a Sloth or a Sleuth (as in slow, not as in bears are good at being detectives.) Now, if group of bears is a Sloth, then what is a group of sloths?? (A bed or a slumber is the answer. Bless you, internet.)
Bear asides aside, I decide to go do one of those daily quests that get you some of that rare ore to buy stuff in the store which I’m probably never going to do. Legendary gear? Meh. I pick up a bounty for 5 sharks. I wonder where to find some sharks and just go swim the hell out into the ocean. I find a shark, but it keeps swimming away. Then I go to bed, because I’m tried.
The next day there’s still time on the shark timer and I find three at a shipwreck which I dispatch handily, but I run out of time before I can locate more sharks, so it is all for naught. Alas. However, I find a secret tomb on the far side of the island while I’m looking for killer fish. Neat!
After tomb raiding, I go back into town to defeat the leader and attempt to trigger a battle. I haven’t managed to get Athens’s power down far enough for that yet, but I did initiate a quest, because I don’t want to leave the island with an exclamation point.
So, here’s the story, there’s a group called the dagger that I have to defeat. This guy, whose name I forgot and I can’t find on the ‘nets, but I luckily screen capped his dialog at some point; His name is Agapios—Well, he’s a slave working with the magister (magistrate?) to uncover this dagger dude. I pillage the gang’s hideout on the dock and we find out that the dagger’s leader is called the “Kingfisher” and he is this dude’s brother! *gasp*
Agapios does not believe this shit. Literally. He want’s me to prove that his bro is really dead and not a bad guy, but I actually prove the opposite of that. He’s totally the Kingfisher, leader of the Dagger. I have a thought that he is one of the cultist leaders I’m looking for, so I’m getting amped for this quest. This does not last long, because there comes a time in the gamer’s life where they stumble upon a quest and learn the hard way that they really should have made a manual save before they jumped in and made all the wrong choices. This is that time. I mean aside from that time I doomed my home island to a plague death that is.
In the sidequest to the sidequest I meet a couple that runs a theatre, also they take care of orphans. Clearly these people must live, because they do not suck unlike half the people I meet. They are getting the shakedown, so I have to go take care of the dagger agent who is in charge of this.
I managed to talk to dagger dude. He was just extorting the theatre people for his family. I guess some other higher up dagger is putting the screws to this guy too, so I don’t want to kill him, but there’s nothing I can do to convince him to leave the theatre couple alone. I tried to just punch him unconscious and recruit him for myself, but he never wakes up. He’s alive…but won’t get up. Restart.
Next time I approach him, he just attacks me. Apparently, I was lucky to get the talk prompt on my first try. Anyway, I must do what I must to advance the quest. We won’t mention that if you do it while at his house, his wife and kid come back home and it is tragic. I get back to the theatre and trigger a cut scene. Another dagger thug is now is holding the theatre couple hostage. Everything I do leads to them being dead. The thug is making me choose which one lives with malicious glee. Like, he is literally squealing with laughter about this horror.
Whether I choose one or the other or neither…both end up dead. (Because the NPCs won’t stay out of the fight! Seriously, why does the AI have them punching geared up agents of evil with their bare hands when they could be running and hiding under a bush or something?) Several restarts later, I decide to cheat and see if it’s even possible to save everyone. It is. I can snipe the baddies with arrows! Good news.
The bad news is, I have overwritten every autosave with my attempts to figure this out for myself. Woe! I have to leave it with the orphans now double orphaned, because my closest manual save is two entire levels ago when I decided I wasn’t going to do the conquest battle, and I really don’t want to undo all my progress so far. Alas. At least the couple told me where to find Kingfisher before they were gone.
But first, I feel like I must finish all my side-sidequests. I have to go visit Agapios’s contact up on a hill. She wants me to get a treasure from a shipwreck before the Dagger gets it. Turns out the treasure is a Dagger meant for sacrifices to Apollo. The Contact thinks this is the most hilarious thing. (The dagger wanted a dagger? Hahah!) I manage to defend her from more thugs that magically spawn, and now I’m off to face the Kingfisher!
So, the big reveal, which I mentioned earlier, is that yes, the big bad is my Agapios’s not dead bro. When I break the news, he just runs away, presumably to go save this bro. Some bystander guard wants to go stop him, because—slavery, but the magister (magistrate?) is just like, nah. He’s free now, let’s go fish for some Kingfisher. We make it to Apollo’s temple and face down the head of the Dagger. I choose to tell my now free friend that his bro is beyond saving, and the fight is on!
I also choose this point to fall asleep again, because I am le tired, and it is late! Next time I will find out for sure if this dude was a cultist. I’m guessing no, because that is my luck. There is also a really, extra shiny glowing question mark on the map of this particular island that I must check out! Tune in next time when I find out that it is actually just a bear jamboree and nothing to do with the finding these cultists I’m supposed to be finding!
Well, here we are at the temple with the Kingfisher and his dagger thugs. Agapios realizes his bro is around the bend when he starts going on about world domination and how his bro is weak. Agapios thinks some people just want to live in the world and not rule it, which is a direct contradiction to the Kingfisher and also Tears for Fears. Now, We Battle!
There’s not much to say about this, since the eventual conclusion is foregone. (It takes me a couple tries, I’ll be honest.) The most interesting thing that happens is that I manage to dispatch the Kingfisher himself by Sparta kicking him right off the edge of the cliff. These Daggers have picked a terrible spot for fighting a dude with mad kicking abilities since the temple is right on top of a mountain. I try to do that with the other four or five dudes, but I have to do it the regular sword way because they keep running around.
In any case, we’ve defeated the bad guys, but everybody is sad anyway. Agapios learns that he is now a free man, since he ran away before the Magistrate! could tell him earlier. I think they’re teaming up to rid the dagger remnants from the island anyway. Well, my work here is done! To the shiny question mark!
But first: A. I realize that half this island is still unexplored which is why I haven’t triggered a conquest battle yet. I have more supplies to burn and fort locations to complete. B. The Cult section of my menu screen tells you where to find the cultists—of which the dagger is not one. There is one on the island though, so I go find him in a cave and get another X on my cult map!
Now the golden Q!
It is not a bear jamboree after all. It is a DEER jamboree! Also, clearly a place for a boss battle if I’ve ever seen one. So I go down there and cut-scene to a shining majestic golden antlered buck. I don’t want to fight the deer because he is beautiful, and I feel bad until the thing pins me to the ground with its giant gold antlers. We are meant to do battle; now I know. I am going to make a golden spear out of you!
Nope, I lied. After this deer murders me for the thousandth time, I decide to go see if I can muster up some fire arrows or something. I defeat some more forts, get into major trouble at a quarry, but manage to complete the location anyway with my patented technique of running and grabbing the treasures and running away again, and just taking a few hits while destroying the supplies. I would prefer the stealth method, but I’m not particularly great at that. There’s always some guard perched somewhere that I didn’t see who catches me. It takes too much time to hack and slash my way through an entire camp so I can raid it at my leisure anyway.
After this, I attempt to recruit the charming mercenary to my team. I’m determined to get him, but right now he keeps beating me, so I’m back to the deer. I have a personal vendetta against this monster buck now. However, I am getting sleepy, and I just don’t feel up to memorizing his charging pattern right now.
I awaken renewed and begin by recruiting the charming mercenary to team Alexios. Yay! On the un-yay, side of things, I have triggered a conquest battle, but keep failing at it, until I upgrade my gear, which I should remember to do more often. Now, I can at least manage without perishing immediately. I still fail, but without dying. I jut fail the battle, but do manage to defeat one of the mercenaries that shows up, so I don’t restart, because I don’t want to fight that guy again. He isn’t charming, so he can begone and I can move up the mercenary tree!
Now, for Mr. Deer. I have researched how not to die, and realize only now that I have a thing called second wind which replenishes my health during battle, so now I have some golden antlers and a quest item for a quest I haven’t started? I don’t think anyway. What is the deal with the legendary creatures? I suppose we will find out. And that is it for this island. All my locations are checkmarked. Athens remains undefeated, but whatever. So, what now? I’m going back to Andros, where the spear upgrady machine is, so I can defeat a cultist and complete the second half of the island that I haven’t yet discovered! I don’t remember what I find here, because that was a couple days ago. I’m going to guess that’s it’s a bunch of stronghold locations, which I can defeat, and Oh, yes — One cave to the underworld!
This sounds exciting in theory, (Yes! Let’s go chill with Hades, Persephone, and the Cerberus! and that one dude in the boat), in reality, it is more just culty, cultists, culting it up deep down underground. It is a particularly gruesome location, so I have no qualms about ending these particular pixels. Seriously, there is half a dude on an altar just to give you an idea of what these guys are up to. I am still not great at fighting hand to hand, so I use my arrows. Bless the arrows! None of them are any of the leader cultists though, but they do give me a few more clues on my map that I’m going to check out and deal with some Q’s along the way!
I take a moment to wonder vaguely about poor Herodotus and Barnabus, who are just sitting around twiddling their thumbs on the boat waiting for me to finally get on with it and go to Athens. Where even is it? I dunno. Let’s find out next time!
Sure, I’ll go to Athens, but I’m going to take the round about way doing it, so I can clear some more areas! A quiet shipwreck, bandit camp, cool. Nothing exciting or too challenging. Hah! I do come upon a fishing village, which I think is going to be a chill place, but it is filled with huntresses that attack me as soon as I step foot on their beach. Like, serious, I wasn’t intending on fighting you guys, but here we go I guess. I want to make peace with the huntresses, they are bad ass and are one with the bears! There is literally nothing to be gained aside from XPs by fighting them, but alas, they are attacking me anyway. Later on there are more huntresses that I don’t want to fight, but I have treasure chest to raid and ancient tablets to find, so I can unlock the secrets of this damn spear for my future relative? Is that even necessary for the memory machine to work these days? I mean, it’s portable now. I don’t know. TBH I barely pay attention to the current times portion of the game. The Pirate one was the first version of Assassin’s Creed I ever played, so you can imagine my great confusion with having to deal with the hacking computers and the reading boring emails portion of the game.
Anyway, I find another gruesome scene at some different cult’s HQ on top of a mountain. The God of War worshipers. I free a dude, and learn nothing about the cult that wants to kill me. I’m getting bored with grinding now, so I guess I will do a quest. I pick one about the Daughter’s of Artemis, head towards it, and discover it is the one where I have to kill legendary animals. Apparently I did initiate that quest, but I still haven’t killed the pig so Daphnae hasn’t given me further instructions to hunt for the rest of the creatures yet even though I already snagged the stag.
Several levels later and I still can’t kill the thing, but I do get to the part where it summons five regular sized boars to attack me at the same time. There are boars flying, and I’m dying, so it’s time to run away again.
Seriously, forget it, I’m going to Athens. Let’s go to the ship, back to Herotodus, who is my guide on this journey. Apparently we are not docking in Athens, we’re going in the back way because my ship is directed to this cove where there is no dock.
Actually, there seems to be no purpose to avoiding the docks, because we just walk right up to the leadership who are out and about orating to the masses. Perikles is giving a speech and some dude named Kleon is rousing the people against Sparta. Oh, Ok, they’re word fighting now. Perikles is the sensible one, or at least the one that doesn’t want to fight everybody?? I know he’s an historical figure and possibly terrible though, so I’m going to proceed with caution. He might help me by giving me an invite to his Symposium pretending to be a servant. First, he gives me side quests to prove myself, as you do. I am reminded that my entire goal in this Odyssey is to find my mom and learn about my dubious ancestry. I must admit, I was so intent on raiding camps and collecting shark bounties that I forgot what I was even looking for.
Oh, well. To the quests!
First Metiochos is late for a very important date. Obvious, he is dead or in a cage somewhere.
Second, Phidias the famous sculptor awaiting trial for impiety. I’m fairly sure I saw this guy is on my culty list though.
And a vote on Ostracism. I’m supposed to help decide who stays and who goes apparently? But I’m too much of an outsider to just go to the symposium, yet this I can decide? Sure thing, Pickles.
OK, To Metiochos. His quest is called a venomous encounter, so he’s dead by snakes, cornered by snakes, or caged by a group of bandits called the serpents. Onward!
Well, two out of three; he is corned by snakes and tied up by thugs! I save him from the vipers, but obviously, I will have to go on a quest for the thugs now. They are apparently poor fishermen and followers of Kleon. I inspect their house and find more snakes and a note. Metiochos is a corrupt politician who is oppressing the poor and they are working on the plans of a higher up. I let them go and give an inspiring speech about improving their neighborhood and ignoring politicians as if it’s that easy, but whatever. I’m off to see what the snake dealer has to say. Is there another higher up baddie? Is it Kleon? Are the politicians the real bad guys after all? Maybe, Maybe, and Yes. Let’s go!
The Snake Dealer has no option for diplomacy, so I guess we’re just going to end him right here, and as it turns out he is the top guy. Huh. I was fulling expecting this to lead back to the big K himself.
Now for the sculptor. Perikles want’s me to help him escape. He’s not a culty guy that I have to kill after all. He’s just the key to finding them! They are trying to kill him too. I mean…hopefully he’s not lying. I get to ask about his specific relationship with Perikles, and he says they are the bestest of friends. Okay. Also, Kleon is trying to set him up for theft along with the impiety he’s already on trial for. We are heading to another island to meet sculptor’s friend who I 100% do not trust. When we get there, it turns out that indeed, he is trustworthy as advertised and he gives me some deets on the cultist who wants sculptor dude dead. Alright! Sculptor man wasn’t the bad guy after all. Nice. I didn’t want to kill him.
~Pause for sleep!~
Okay, now we get to decide who’s getting exiled. I have to go to another island to do this. WHY??? Oh, wait, no, it is not on another island. I am on another island. I forgot I was dropping that dude off to hide out from those culty douches. I’m back in Athens now, and it turns out Perikles wants me to rig the ostracism. I’m not deciding anything, I’m just stuffing the ballot box. That makes a whole lot more sense. Let’s hear it for the cradle of democracy! We’ll see if I get a choice in this.
I don’t. Let’s see who I’ve doomed.
I’m not quite sure what happened, but the guy I meet back at the ostracism isn’t the same guy that instructed me to rig the vote? Or is it?? I don’t even remember. In any case, the guy I meet is none other than So-Crates himself, best known for helping Bill and Ted on their Excellent Adventure.
Well, the vote’s are in, and we get reassured that they have all been counted despite evidence of vote tampering. Now, this close personal friend of Sokrates and Perikles has to go. Wait, wait…so, the vote was or wasn’t fixed? I’m so confused. Sokrates is giving me a guilt trip though. Ugh. Go philosophize somewhere else, my dude. I’m going back to Pickles to see what the deal is.
But first I help a townsfolk deliver a flower to a doctor, who is not nearly as cute as my country doctor. At least I get some easy drachmae, and Whooosh. Level Up! Good detour, self. Should I head to Perikles, or should I see what mayhem Kleon is up to?
Kleon it is!
OK, he’s just trying to overthrow the government.
He wants me to hassle some Spartans to bump up morale. I guess I can take him up on it since I’m probably going to be doing that anyway. I mean, on the one hand, I don’t trust his squinty ass, but on the other he’s not hiring me to straight up murder Pickles, sooo…
Ok, manual save. Let’s put hassling the Spartans on the menu.
But first, I have a symposium to attend to!
OMG, PHOIBE is there???? What? Not dead of the plague? Yes, it is Phoibe, and not a case of reusing the same model for all children in the game. Turns out she saved her money, stowed away, and came to Athens before she could perish. Alexios can’t believe she’s here either. She’s working for someone named Aspasia, who I feel like I should know, but I don’t.
Anyways, Pheoibe is here to make sure I’m in the proper fancy robes and check my weapons at the door. I have options here to not change, but I’ll do it. Even though such things are always suspicious. I will probably need a dagger at some point. Alexios is 100% echoing my feelings about this as soon as I’m typing them! I feel vindicated.
Anyway, Herodotus is here and giving me the deets about this schmooze fest. I guess this new squishy non-armor was a good choice for rubbing elbows. He tells me about all the dudes here. I won’t tell you all about these argumentative playwrights now though. I learn that Alexios doesn’t like Sokrates at all, and Perikles isn’t even at his own shin-dig. UGH.
Before I can get any more introductions, I am accosted by a shirtless drunk dude, who is kind of shameless and amazing. Like, everybody else is chatting and drinking and this fella just rolls on up in his undies like it’s nothing. Haha, what is happening? He’s reciting some love poem or something at me before he wanders away.
Now Herodotus goes to find Pickles, and I’m left alone to my own devices. My first side quest is to find and talk to shirtless drunk guy. I’m not sure how much information I’m going to get out of him.
Oh, great. Turns out he’s behind a closed door. With moaning and goat noises. This guy’s name is Alkibiades, I’m pretty sure it’s exactly what it sounds like and he is not attempting to lift heavy furniture for comedic effect back there, but I pound on the door and demand to be let in anyway. Yep. Indeed, this is some kind of orgy situation happening (the goat likes to watch???) He asks if I’m here to join them. He’s also super into Sokrates for some reason. (Sokrates is not there for the record)
Well, I have agreed to get him some oil in exchange for info, but in the kitchen I’ve bumped into this playwright guy who was arguing with some other playwright named Euripides earlier and I’m supposed to care about this? No. I am just getting oil for the horny dude. Time is of the essence! I think this guy’s drunk too. Sophokles is his name. He want’s me to get Eurpides drunk, so he too can become a public embarrassment. Everybody at this party is drunk! Except for me. Alas. What has Pickles gotten me into? Symposium does sound far more elegant than this drunken frat party I am at.
Okay, well, now that Alkibiades has his oil and is pumped up about his orgy (that he still is trying to convince Alexios to join. I do have the option to say yes, but I’m going to stick with the find mom plan. I mean, not gonna lie, I like his style. He seems way more fun that those bickering playwrights, but I am on a quest!) Anyway, Alkibiades, does seem less drunk somehow and thinks my mom might be on Korinth with the hetarae. He is surprisingly helpful even though Alexios isn’t particularly pleased by this info.
Now we’re off to get some playwrights drunk and see if they’re as helpful as shirtless guy. I have already fucked up this quest and got the wrong wine from the kitchen staff. Let’s see how it goes.
I propose a drinking competition. I really don’t like these dudes. They’re kind of A-holes, treating me like a nameless servant here to pour them wine. I am pouring them wine and possibly posing a servant, though not much has been made of that since I first met Perikles. I realize this special robe may in fact be servants attire. That’s not the point. Eurpides gives me some info to track down. I wasn’t paying attention, so I will check it out in the quest menu later. I wonder what would have happened if I’d picked the right wine? Perhaps Sophokles would have given me the info instead?
Ok, back to Sokrates for some philosophical discussions.
We’re discussing the art of war. Lol, Alexios is not getting it. We should have stuck with the orgy dude. Just in time to save me from this conversation, the mythical Aspasia who I feel like I should know makes her appearance. Turns out, I don’t know her after all. She gives me some contacts to talk to in the places the other guys told me to go, and also another contact—a woman called Xenia!
Now let’s see what Perikles has to say.
He’s just up on the second floor moping and doesn’t want to join his own party for a speech. Like, he’s very sober. I’m not sure anybody down there is going to remember anything he has to say anyway. While we’re up here, we’re going to find out what the heck was up with all those errands:
I saved the sculptor because he’s a bro. That’s it. Perikles thinks he was delusional, but a good pal that deserved a hand.
And the Ostracized guy? He got sent away because Perikles wanted to protect him.
And Metiochos just got snaked through no machinations of Perikles. That was all on some rando dudes who were into Kleon.
Well, Perikles himself was less than helpful, but at least I have some leads.
On the way out Pheoibe tells me some rumors about the plague back home, so now I have a quest to go check that out. I tell her it’s not our fault that we’ve doomed our whole island, but yeah. Totally my fault!
I tell her I’m going off to Korinth. Since Alkibiades is the first person I talked to, that shall be the first place I’ll go! I’m going to put off handling this plague situation for as long as possible, that’s for sure!
Note: I wrote this one well before the holidays and am just now getting to posting, for the record!
What Are You Up To, Kleon?
We’re out to help Kleon today now that they Symposium is over! Let’s see what kind of job he has to offer. Probably not the drunken orgies that Perikles and Co. had for me, but, hey—you never know! Let’s go raid some Spartan camps! (As is Kleon’s wish, if you remember that far back.) That being finished, I go back to Kleon, with a note from a Spartan polemarch about further secret missions for Athens that Kleon is engaging in. Of course, this isn’t the end of his quest for me. I now have to rescue a messenger at a quarry. Come to find out that he is dead, but I do managed to rescue a sea captain who is also in on the plan. They are all being very hush hush about what is on his ship, and that makes me really suspicious. Better I don’t know? I beg to differ!
Well, not only was this guy captured, but so was his entire crew. I have to rescue them and then go defeat some Spartan ships, and maybe I have discovered the reason we parked in some random cove…because my ship is right there for me to swim to! Barnabus lets me know I have a message about a lead on some cultists, which I will check out later, and I make short work of the ship and head on back to see if maybe these dudes will tell me something!
Nope, nobody tells me anything. Maybe I have doomed all of Athens by helping these guys, or doomed somebody else. Who knows? Mayhaps it doesn’t actually matter since most of the time there is just an illusion of choice. Heh. I mean, I can go about raiding all of Athens and it doesn’t seem to affect much in the way of interactions.
In fact, let’s go on a side quest now that I’m done with Kleon. I know I said I was going to Korinth, but you know me. There was never a spot on the map that I ever want to pass up! So, I accidentally run through a restricted area and get chased by some guards all the way to my exclamation point destination. Let’s see who it is!
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Dudes being Bros
Ooo, boy. It is none other than Alkibiades and his bud Sokrates. They are still at it. Sokrates is talking and talking and Alkibiades is flirting and flirting. What kind of shenanigans are they up to? Well, Alkibiades wants me to help his friend become a citizen by sneaking into a place and signing his name to a thing. Alright, seems easy enough, yes? I think my abilities of sneaking have been way over estimated by the game. Quest completed though. I return to Alkibiades and he gets a new exclamation point above his head. Dude. What now???
Well, I have to find a witness, for this citizenship; a “handsome” dude named Peiroos. Neither I nor Ace here can be the witness, because he is a friend and I am not a citizen, but I should be careful not to get too distracted by Peiroos handsomeness. I think I can manage. What I don’t think I can manage is not giving this guy the nickname “Poos”. Hahaha. I am 12. Anyway, I just get some vague directions to find him; the quest isn’t going to lead me directly there this time. I guess I will just look out for the too handsome dude.
And OMG, I keep running into this restricted area. I am not meaning to do this, just there’s these big steps leading up to this temple and regular citizens are just running around there all willy-nilly. Why can’t I? Boo!
I Got This.
But I Was Expecting This
Well, it’s this guy. Lol. Okay, if you say so, Ace. I have a feeling that every person that walks into his eyeline is probably the most attractive person in Greece in that particular moment. Anyway, Peiroos doesn’t want to help. Sophanes, he’s the dude I’m helping with the citizenship and here I am still on this quest so I guess I’ll remember his name for a minute. Anyway, he’s a betrayer who turned on his own troops or something. According to Peiroos he doesn’t deserve citizenship. Great. Now what? Fine, I’ll bribe him…pay for his debt with this huge pile of drachmae I have that I never spend on anything. Surprisingly this bribe works without me having to do any more favors. Ok, I guess I will find out what damaged I’ve wrought later if any.
Reporting my success to Alkibiades, I give him some shit for not telling me all of the deets about Sophanes apparent treachery. At least I can grumble at somebody for it, if I can’t grumble at Kleon. He says he didn’t think I would care, but now he knows. Have I rebuffed Alcibiades too many times now? Who knows, but he believes in second chances. Me too. When he leaves Sokrates and I rap about whether good people can become bad or bad people can become good, and can we predict anything about it. Alexios seems relieved when Sokrates finally bows out of the discussion leaving it for a later date.
I guess the later date is now, because the next exclamation point is leading me to Sokrates who has apparently transported himself all the way across town instantaneously. So, Sokrates is in an argument with some playwright named Aristophanes (Fannies?) about Kleon and another dude name Hermippos. Apparently Hermippos (Hippos obvs.) thinks Kleon is the bees knees and isn’t afraid to shout it from the rooftops, and Aristophanes is done with it. Not sure what Sokrates can do about it, but I’m sure we will find out.
Ok, the short of it is Sokrates is down with freedom of speech. Aristophanes thinks some people should shut-up already. Even Sokrates. Anyway, I’m going to be hired to find Hermippos so Aristophanes can give him the what for.
I get some more vague directions, but I’m pretty sure I already tried to break into his house earlier when I was completing locations. Yep, I did. He does have quite the suspicious amount of guards and huge villa for a playwright. I find a note from Kleon about his play and some huge amounts of money just laying about, and the cherry on top is this Cult of Kosmos mask. *Gasp* Something culty is afoot here after all! And here, I thought Aristophanes was full of shit. Let’s get him! There is another cultist in Athens and my map tells me I will find clues in the quarry, so I’m going to go back there and see what’s up.
My map lies! Ok, well, not quite. I’m supposed to do favors for nearby people and maybe I will stumble upon the clues somehow. Instead, I ignore that little notation and head directly to the quarry to complete the location with much effort and dying and it got me nothing except a check mark and some armor that is a lower level than the armor I already have on. I stayed up way past my bedtime for this? Yay?
I go in search of a maybe helpful quest and take on some bounties that I’m not sure I’ll finish. I get a mission to collect some seals from some Spartan polemarches in some forts and also realize I have a finished quest that hasn’t been completed because I didn’t go back and talk to the dude that gave it to me yet. I think I got distracted by the magical spear upgrady machine. Anyway, I head on back to the beach where I first landed to help my twice not!brother, brother. I cause troubles at some forts to collect my one part of the required goods.
After raiding several more forts I have now realized that they are Athenian, and that is the reason I’m not getting the special quest required polemarch seals. Uuuuuggghhh. Self. C’mon! I am going back to Athens, there’s lots of Spartans in that area.
In search of forts, I do find another human sacrificing faction in a cave. Nothing to do with the Kosmos cult, these guys are Pan fans, they’ve got the sacrificial altar and a pit of blood. I fail at sneaking and basically have to pick them off with my arrows whilst trying running backwards around and around in a circle through the cave tunnels. This tactic somehow manages to work without me being desynchronized once. Phew.
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Old Friend, New Trouble
I do a few more quests and meet up with a former fellow mercenary, Heitor, who is now one of those dudes that runs a weapon store. I still have not managed to procure another polemarch seal, but that is for another day apparently. Anyway, this guy wants me to get his very special sword back for him from this huge, well guarded Athenian fort. Cool. I do that, but in doing so learn that he actually probably sold the sword to the Captain there. He, of course, admits nothing, but whatever. Team Merc.
NOW, he wants me to save his friend who has been captured, which I agree to, but who knows. He probably sold this guy too. Harumph. On the way I run into some lady who gives me a sob story about her play being banned for being just toooo dramatic, you guys. It brought all the soldiers to tears and they stole it so no warrior would ever be overcome with such emotion again, she is just so talented. She doesn’t want me to rescue her play from the sad soldiers, but she does want money, which I give her. I’ll take the easy XPs, whatever. I’m fairly certain this was a con. *shrug*
Anyway, I go through all the trouble of rescuing this guy in less than stealthy fashion and get him down to a boat where Heitor is waiting…to kill him. Uuuuuugh. Why? Because this guy was shackin’ it up with his wife and she ended up dying when she got in between their fighting. A love triangle gone awry.
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Let’s All Just Enjoy the Sunset and Forgive Each Other, Eh?
Guys. Stop. Think it through, my mans. I tell them nothing is going to bring her back and somehow convince them to part ways without bloodshed for once. Yay! Now let’s clear some more locations before we move on. I mean, I haven’t quite forgotten that I’m looking for my mom this time, so I clearly have more busy work to do!
Oh yeah, the Seals guy. I think I finally gave him the seals and now he wants me to find more seals. To be honest, I’ve kind of lost the plot with this guy, but I’ll keep him on mind as I’m going on this next quest to the Silver Islands. I don’t remember where I picked this one up, but I’ve been hired to aid a failing rebellion on Myknonos! Let us be off! I have my crew drop me off away from civilization because I saw a dot in the distance sitting on a beach and I wanted to check it out.
Levitating Bears; Up to No Good!
It is a bear! I don’t really want to kill this bear, because on one hand he is pretty, but on the other hand the beach is littered with dead guys. Clearly, this bear is a trouble maker like me. Once that is done, I explore his cave which doesn’t really yield any good treasure. I do come to the realization as I crest a nearby hill that I am not in fact on Mykanos at all. Ah well, Let’s explore this island while I’m here I guess. I am on the sacred Lands of Artemis on Delos island…part of the Silver islands it turns out. It is a beautiful place with purple flowers all over. This one speaks to me. Maybe I can retire here, but probably not I’m sure someone with a spear is going to chase me away soon enough. (This last sentence in retrospect…oh boy. In my headcannon, My only mercenary retirement plan this Alexios has is this, and the only kids he will be having are the baby voyeur goats that I will be raising with Alkibiades, history be damned! Cute country doctor and Sokrates can come too.)
I move on to the next section called the Birthplace of Apollo where I find more people, a terrace of Lions and a Sacred Lake. Obviously, I must defile the sacred lake, because surely this place must have treasure at the bottom even though it isn’t a marked location. I am right for once when I find a bunch of loot and a sword down there. Haha!
Greetings from Kira
Bless! I am finally on Mykanos where I find out some guy is basically being a dick all over the place. We’ll call him Murdery von Taxation since I forgot his name. I really forget the specifics because all this happened last week So, so, very long ago, and I didn’t write anything down. Does he have a name? Is he a cultist? Perhaps. Perhaps I am just here to help Kira on her quest to bring him down. Anyhow, she has me running around meeting her places and investigating stuff, but I run into a beggar lady first who, as it turns out has some secrets to unload on me.
You see, she was once Kira’s nurse, or something, and Kira’s mother was Murdery’s mistress. When he found out she had a kid, he came around to kill her, and succeeded. The nurse absconded with Kira and didn’t even tell her any of this. So, now I have to tell her that the man she’s vowed to take down is her very own father. I know the feel, girl. My dad threw me off a cliff! I think that’s where I left it.
Okay, so, I have absolutely no idea what happened because I played a little and then went on a long vacation to the heart of it all (Ohio) and yeah. I’m pretty sure I told Kira the secret and tried to console her and then we took down her dad, there’s no guarantee that that is going to do anything to help the situation. Someone higher up the chain might just come and be just as terrible to the townsfolk, but I’m just going to assume my job is done and get on with the questing. (Unless I haven’t, in fact, finished this quest, in which case…I’ll do that!)
OK, so, Murdery VonTaxation’s name is actually Podarkes, and no, I have not deposed him yet. I’m still helping Kyra with that, and I will now spell her name correctly! Her plan is to steal the national treasure and weaken his forces. She takes me to the fort where the treasure is and I employ the tried and true method of being instantly discovered, and getting attacked by everybody including three random mercenaries who show up for my bounty while opening treasure chests on the run.
As it turns out Podarkes has squandered the entire national treasure, which I guess is all the money he’s collected from his taxpaying citizens. She gives me some promised money for my services, but not without an option for flirting, which eh…give me the money instead. I presume I am going to help Kyra further with this Podarkes problem later, but first! I find the Spartan leader, Thaletas giving rousing speeches to his troops. I don’t remember who he is, but the dialogue tells me that he has terrible plans, and judging by his tiny braid, is possibly a jedi in training. He needs my help to clear some Athenian ships. So, I head back to my little used crew and make short work of them. I do get chased by a pirate ship I accidentally bumped into, but eventually they leave me alone and I can dock to see what Thaletas has for me. I also can flirt with him, but I don’t particularly like him, so forget about that. Onward!
Yo! Checking up with my last update and I now realize that I have entirely skipped out on that mission to get Hippos… or did I? Is it on my list? Let us check the fabled menu—
It is not. Did I—did I ever find him? I am just entirely baffled by this now. I suppose we just march on and see if anything comes of it. Apologies to my man, Sokrates, if I failed him! As for my current status, Thaletas has even more quests for me to go on now that I’ve sunken some ships. I apparently have options to sink more ships, I guess to curry more favor with the Spartans, but I don’t particularly feel like getting back on the boat at this moment. Instead Thal and I conspire to remove some Athenian commanders.
I get to the first guy, who is at a location where I already killed everybody to completion, but he has regenerated for this quest I suppose and is standing right in front of some tall grass, which is great for sneaking! Unfortunately I keep forgetting to go and upgrade my weapons before I start doing more quests, so he doesn’t go down with one stab. I am lucky that none of his comrades even notice us fighting until I finish the job, so I can just run away from them.
On the way to the next guy, I remember that I have the ability to tame creatures, so I find a lion and she is my new friend. We go and attack the next guy at a quarry, but I go back after I end the commander because the other guys keep attacking my poor lion. This is a mistake, because I die at this point. I am tired now, so it is sleep time. Will my autosave be before or after the quarry commander? —
Update: BEFORE. Damn. Also, my pet lion is now untamed and attacking my ass. ~runs away to regroup~
So, forget lions, let’s go upgrade my daggers and get this quarry guy!
JK, I do not have enough resources for this. All my goat pelts have finally been exhausted! Oh, well. I guess we’ll just have to get the remaining commanders without upgrades! Let us forge ahead.
I finally do away with commander #2 with the help of my lion friend, who I have re-tamed. Sadly, she ends up on the wrong end of some other guards’ pointy sticks. As for these commanders, they both have orders to kill commander #3 for desertion. Hmmm. Since he’s not kicking it with the Athenians anymore, maybe I won’t have to kill him?
He is on a nice farm in the Kynthos HIlls.
For a moment I think he’s in a nearby cave, which he is not. He really is on a farm. Not because he’s hiding out in peace, but because the Athenians have taken it over and he’s captured. I go in there and rescue him, Neokles is his name. Turns out he’s not down with the army anymore. Doesn’t agree with how they’re doing things these days. I give him sanctuary on my ship and somehow earn an achievement! Maybe it has something to do with him being a gold background (legendary) square.
Yes, it does. After much consternation trying to sign back into my Playstation account, I find it is a trophy for recruiting a legendary character! Yay, me! I would have assumed such a task would have been much more difficult than that. I guess being nice pays off sometimes.
I guess we go back to Thaletas now.
Not really, I get distracted by a mystery island between Mykanos and Delos, so I swim on out there sans boat, because I cannot find one. Of course it is full of cultists and not treasures. Darn. Also, this dual wielding dagger lady keeps appearing out of nowhere to destroy me, so we’ll just pass that dumb island up for now and get back on course instead.
Thaletas is for some reason not on the beach, and I find out he’s just roaming around in the city because the Athenians don’t want to attack anybody near their sacred temples, so he’s just being a dick about it. I am not flirting with him for a second time, and also let’s not tell him that one of those commanders is working for me now. Still, he has something he wants to show me on the beach later. “Look for the smoke”… I am definitely getting vibes from him right now. Um….
Let’s get to it right away and not keep me in suspense (if I don’t get distracted by cult island again). I have realized that the reason I don’t always get a spot on the map to go to and just get vague directions is because that is the setting I chose when I started the game. I guess I will just head to the beachiest area of the island and look for the smoke signals.
I see no smoke because it is light out still, but I find a burning pyre. IS this it? Nope. I now wander around the coastline looking for him, and what I eventually find is a trail of flowers. I did not choose any of the heart dialogues with this dude and yet he has still led me to a bed of flower petals and is being all sincere and awkward. Decisions, decisions. I reject him, natch, and get some words about Kyra…Is he into Kyra or Alexios? Both? Am I going to have to invite them to my retirement goat commune? Apparently, since Alexios is into him too despite my best efforts. It has been too long since we met the country doctor I guess. Alexios tries to kiss him, but he runs away for a better spot. What is this trickery? I feel like I’m being led into ambush city, but maybe I’m just suspicious.
Nope, I’m right. He wants to fight with me now because Sparta. See, this. This is why you get no flirts, Thal. (Though, would that have ended with me not having to fight him??? Who knows.) I have no mercy on my third attempt at this fight, because he has killed me twice now. Bro. I thought we were bros.
Okay, I have bested him finally and we’re bros again. I am sorry, but you desynchronized me, I am not interested for a third time! I am however, now his wing-man since I advise him that Kyra is his true love after all. He looks sad as he wanders away. Sorry, man. You stabbed me to death! Twice!
Time to find a new quest. I find a ! and head off in that direction.
There is a dying woman who wants me to kill a bear “Aretmis’s Nightmare”. This doesn’t sound great, I’ll admit. I also learn that you aren’t allowed to die on this island according to the priests. Whew, boy. I’ve got some news for them.
Waaaait. Is this the bear I already killed? It—it is? And yet my quest is unfulfilled. Did it regenerate? It did. Damn. There is a nearby shipwreck once I tackle the bear for a second time. As it turns out, the woman who asked me to kill it is the one who smuggled it to the island. Hmmm. The plot thickens.
I just agree to keep her secret and that is that. Perhaps the dude she was smuggling the bear for will come into play later, but I’ve already forgotten his name.
Holy hell. It’s Sokrates. Sokrates is the Elvis / Courfeyrac of Odyssey (He is Everywhere). I suppose I won’t lie to him about my purposes here. It for sure isn’t to hear him speak. Yeahhh, we’re going to get into a discussion. Here’s the deal:
A rebel stole from the temple to finance the rebellion. The authorities want to put him to death for this. (Not on the island, obvs.) Instead of just telling me what he wants, Sokrates poses the question, is this death justice? Sokrates seems to be arguing for the law, but in the end tells me where the dude is being held so I can go save him anyway. Off we go with the promise of perpetual Sokrates knowledge as payment instead of drachmae. Thanks??
It is now an escort mission. The best kind of mission. >insert rolling eyes emoji< For some reason there are absolutely no guards around and I get him out with no troubles despite him yelling his head off in determination to become a martyr. He doesn’t want Athens around, he doesn’t want Sparta around on his island, and he doesn’t care who hears about it. He wants for the rebellion to attack NOW! Against my better judgement, I let him go to Kyra, and instead give Sokrates some shit for not telling me this dude is extremist bananas. We part ways, and I look forward to meeting Sokrates on another different island on the opposite corner of the map.
For now, I’m meeting back up with Kyra. She’s awaiting me on some kind of hunting trip, so I don’t know what that’s all about since what’s his butt is still douching it up around town. In any case, I’m supposed to find her at the alter of Artemis, which is apparently not the altar that is near the gigantic statue of Artemis, because there is nobody up on this hill. Let us consult the actual map again. At least the real altar isn’t too far away.
Kyra is there praying for a good hunt. We have some bantery banter.
She’s not going to hit on me too is she???
Is there going to be a hunting contest? Because I could use some more goat pelts.
It is, and she is??? Kind of. She thinks there’s vibes between us??? At least she took me out goat hunting to express these feelings. This isn’t nearly as super awkward and fighty as my meeting with Thaletas. Anyway, she loves Thal too, turns out. She’s a rebel, he’s a Spartan. Ahh, the star-crossed lovers. I hope this doesn’t end in a good old ole Greek tragedy.
Okay, I’ve grown weary of the Silver Islands for now, so we’re going to get Podarkes once and for all! Then we’re going to do the beach battle, and hopefully those crazy kids, Kyra and Thaletas will live happily ever after and leave me alone!
I head to Podarkes house, no distractions this time!
Well… perhaps more distraction is in order in the form of burning up some more supplies to weaken this dudes guards. I try to sneak up on a guy in a room and it turns out Podarkes is also in that room to send up the alarm and also fight me. Everybody chases me and I perish. Time to try again. Maybe this time keep better track of the target?
No. I’m just not ready to tackle this dude apparently. My little quest bubble is telling me I need to weaken the guards by raiding camps and burning supplies over on Delos, but there is nothing there I haven’t done and the status of Athens on the island is already weakened…so I’m not sure what to do.
In frustration, I wander off to do other things, like check my cult family tree to find out I already killed Hermippos, so I totally left that out of my travelouge somehow. This isn’t about him though. I’m going to try and help the Spartans do a battle. Maybe that will help me improve my skillz. Probably not, but I need to regroup again.
Alright! Sparta wins the battle this time. Easily. Am I getting better at the game? Miracles! The cherry on top of doing this quest is that it Actually…actually…helped majorly with the Podarkes quest. With Athens out of the Silver Islands, Podarkes doesn’t get to live in his fortified fancy house anymore. He only has three guards with him! Not the dozen I was dealing with before. I finally get him alone. For his final words he says he wishes Kyra were here to kill him herself. I don’t give her the chance.
Apparently I don’t get to find out what happens with her or Thaletas either, because there are no further quests and she doesn’t suddenly pop up in a cut scene. Huh. I guess it’s off to the next island! Where I continue to ignore all helpful hints and quests contained in my menu in favor of wandering aimlessly, gathering olive wood. Can’t wait!
Well, we’re back at it, here in far away, long ago Greece, where I start the game after a long hiatus playing Anthem (don’t @ me). I am finishing up an ice cream sandwich IRL while waiting for things to load up and get immediately assassinated by some bounty hunters, because as it turns out, I am still standing over Podarkes dead bod. When I return from being unsynchronized, I pay for my bounty because I don’t want them hassling me. Now it’s time to get down to business and reacquaint myself to the controls. I still have a gazillion points on the map to explore!
What I remember is that I think I have finished with the Silver Islands, which have lost their sheen after I found out that they don’t let you die there, and I am on a quest to defeat a cult and find my mom so I can find out who my dad is.
Let us now seek a new side quest so I don’t have to do any of that!
Here we go, I meet up with my pal, Barnabas and he’s giving me the update on Kyra! So they didn’t just fade off into the sunset without saying goodbye after all. I feel better about that since I put all that time in here. She is putting her traitorous dad to rest and is grateful I haven’t told her secret. (The secret of her dad being a murderous traitor thief.)
My Alexios’s opinion is that Podarkes should rot, but that the troops deserve a good story, especially Thaletas who is waiting up the stairs I am told. Barnabas bids me good night as he tells me to relax and party it up for a minute, and now I have a quest called a night to remember.
I will never be done with the Silver Isles, also, I’m not hookin’ it up with Thaletas, game. You better not still be trying to make that happen!
First, I’m led to Kyra as she lights dad’s funeral pyre. She has complicated feelings about this whole situation, but I encourage her to stay strong and help her peeps so a new Podarkes doesn’t crop up. We head back to the party now.
The bear smuggler is there all touching up on Barnabas’s face. She calls him Barny which is a good nickname for him that I didn’t even think of, because I couldn’t remember his name for several days after I met him. I’m going to steal it. They have bonded over their opposite missing eyes. How nice. Apparently they are in love now. What the hell? I spent so long wandering around these dumb islands that my boat captain has acquired a girlfriend. I can invite her to join the crew, so why not. Everybody wins? Maybe we could use a smuggler.
Once we are done with that love story, I can now breath a sigh of relief, because Kyra and Thaletas are together for reals, and he is no longer awkwardly hitting on me. Yay! Also, he’s over here turning down Spartan generalship in order to settle on the islands with Kyra. This is quite a thing for a dude who wanted to fight me to prove my Spartaness. Good for them, for now!
I decide to bow out quietly and leave the rebels to their islands without speechifying about it, despite Barny’s wishes. Of course, I can’t leave without Sokrates showing up to say goodbye and philosophizing at me. Until next time, Sokrates!
But I see new quests…what? I am determined to finish these silver isles though, so I’m heading back across the way to Mykanos now.
Psych! Apparently you can create your own levels in assassin’s creed now, and these silver exclamation points are user created. It’s been so long since I’ve been here there are new game mechanics. Of course in the first one I pick just to see what they’re like, my “one true love”, Thaletas, wants me to assassin someone for him. Even random internet strangers want me to hook up with this dude! Sorry, video game gods, it’s not gonna happen!
I move back to that blasted pirate island with the dagger lady that I attempted earlier in the game and spend the entirety of my gaming night trying to beat it. I KNOW I’ve faced dual wielding rogues before and beat them. This pirate lady is two entire levels below me, so I don’t know why this is so difficult! Bah. One bonus to this location when I finally beat her, is that there is a cultist here! I wasn’t even looking for one! So we get to cross another of those dudes off the cult family tree.
Since we’re laying siege to pirate islands tonight, let’s go find another one. There is a huge one to the west of me, so that is where we head! First a quick stop off at this little nothing island called Lestris. There is a quest item here though. Let’s see if we can find out what quest it belongs to… Huh. Artifact fragments it looks like??? Maybe I should upgrade my spear instead of going to pirate island.
Just kidding again! I travel all the way back to spear island to find out I need seven artifacts for the next section, but I only have four. Damn. Back to Pirate island I guess.
This place is literally called Pirate Island this time. I thought it might end up in another silver isles situation, but this one only has a couple of quests that don’t lead on an endless string of other quests. It is however, filled with bobcats jumping on my back. Which sucks, because I’m not about killing bobcats, but if they’re going to attack me…
Our first quest is for a little girl. She’s gathering clay for her friends and wants to make them some jewelry, so she asks Alexios if he will go find some pearls and shiny rocks. Sure thing! Helping the children of Greece free of charge are my favorite tasks.
I return to her shack on the hill expecting some more kids, but instead find three huge lumps of clay, and these are her friends. <Insert distressed smiley face here> I was not expecting this innocuous quest to turn tragic, but then again, I never do. Turns out her mother decided to go pirate to get some money and make a better life, but returned with a stab wound. Her last words to her daughter were to be good and make friends. The kid has literally made friends. Out of clay.
I don’t really have the heart to tell this lonely child that her friends are clay lumps and she is delusional and needs to go out and meet real people. I choose to tell her that anybody can be a friend. My bestie is an eagle after all. She thinks that’s pretty cool. Maybe I can inspire all the young girls of Greece to become falconers? (I return a bit later and find her crying, because the rain has washed her friends away, but we cannot interact anymore. Did I do the wrong thing? )
Second quest is some dude’s wife picking ceremony. The woman I talk to insists that she loves this man and he loves her. Apparently I get no choice but to think she is a gold digger. Is she? Who knows? An acolyte of Hecate approaches us and offers to make her a love potion. I and Alexios think this is a ridiculous farce, but agree to help anyway. I fetch some shrooms and some some wine and hand it over to the ‘witch’. All she needs now is a lock of the woman’s hair.
I return the next night and our friend is bald! Turns out the witch was merely a rival for the rich dude’s affections, and she has tricked this woman into drinking a sort of poison. It was only supposed to give her a rash, not make all her hair fall out. As to the why of the situation, the witch thinks she deserves this dude because they’ve known each other since childhood, and was just playing the game. The other woman is distraught, obviously.
But the show must go on! — This whole prank has rubbed me the wrong way and the ‘witch’s maniacal laughter is really not helping much, but I don’t get many options in the way of a peaceful resolution. It’s either, So sorry about your luck, bald lady, or kill the witch! (My true choice would be to tell the bald woman to forget about the rich dude; he’s not worth it and then hightail it out of there.) I call the guards on the ‘witch’ and hope she’ll just get arrested or something. Naaah. With that choice I get an update to the quest for witch killing. Damn.
I just stand aside and let the guards do it.
And that’s everything of note on pirate island! A short and sweet one with surprisingly few pirates! Maybe tomorrow we’ll hunt some cultists so I can upgrade my spear!
I do find one short quest somewhere along the way, but I forget where it was. A woman instructs me to go to a cemetery to find out which God is the most powerful: Apollo (I think? Or was it Ares? Something with an A. I didn’t write this one down!) or Posiden. “A” god has lions which are pretty powerful, but Posiden has like…sharks and krakens. Choices, choices. While I’m figuring this out some dude comes up to me and is absolutely convince I’m going to kill him. Huh? I tell him all is cool, bro, but then he comes after me anyway, because Athena told him it must be.
Back to the old lady who gave me this dumb quest, and I tell her Athena is the most powerful, because she got this dude to commit suicide by mysthios without lions or sharks. The lady thinks this is all amusing and I don’t even remember if she got the answer she wanted, and I don’t even know if I got any drachmae for it, but there you have it! Moving swiftly onward–
Wading into the Deep End
Update: So it turns out that I didn’t find an artifact on that island, just a clue to find one, which is good, because I need three more to upgrade! It has led me Achaia and now I can’t find the letter with the clue so… great. Am I even supposed to be here? I guess I’ll go search the coves and see what I can find!
I find many enemies that are at least ten levels above me, so–I definitely am not supposed to be here yet! Also, I’m level 30, how long is this game??? Before I move on to easier targets, I find the sunken temple of Demeter and some Ares boots that I can sell later. Maybe I’ll tackle the cultist in the arena? I have an actual quest for that, so maybe I’m not too weak for that one? It is in Pephka, and I get to reveal a whole new section of the map if I go there. So, let’s go!
First, I stop off at an underwater cavern to get some loot and fight some sharks. Turns out the quest item on that island was not the cultist letter, nor was it an artifact…it was some bricks. Do I have a quest for bricks??? What? Forget it. I’m going to the arena and resisting the temptation to stop at every island along the way. In keeping with the theme somehow…it is at a place called Pirate Point.
Ahh, turns out this is all Barny’s doing. He thought I should give this arena thing a try, because, obviously, I have nothing else to do. I talk to a guy named Skoura. I guess I’m here to inspire the crowds to believe in heroes again. I’ll do it!
Well, I’ll do it up until the point where these other dudes are a higher level than me. There is a guy at level 50. Damn. Hopefully the cultist makes himself known before then. Is it Skoura??? I hope not, I kinda like the old dude. Also, I’m going to have to question this whole operation…
Like, why does Alexios, a single human person (or Demi-god?), have to fight like 20 dudes before I get to my opponent??? He only has to fight me. How fair is that? (I’m just complaining, because I am not good at this, and also this sucks and is no fun, but I won’t rage-quit just yet.) At least not until–yes, that did it–some upgraded gear did the trick. It is always my downfall.
After I win my first bout, some dude named Maion approaches me and Skoura. He’s all about the drachmae, so I don’t trust him. Hmm. Maybe he’s the cultist? I just want to find him before I get too deep in this arena business. Is that too much to ask? But there are only two out of five guys at my level or below.
Yeah, the one guy is going to be it for the arena for now. Excuse me while I go grind, thank you very much.
A Tale of Two Brothers
Here’s a novel Idea–Let’s get on with the story. Did I say I was going to investigate Alkibiades clue? Let’s do that! Off to Korinth we go! There are lots of undiscovered locations here. *rubs hands together in anticipation*
First thing I find is a bandit camp, which I think is going to be a simple affair not worth mentioning, but instead there is a quest there. I rescue some dude named Lykinos who has no idea why these bandits were shaking him down. I have to carry him to get him away. Let’s return him to his dad before I accidentally kill him trying to put him on the ground (I forgot which button puts people down!) and see what journey I have to go on now.
Okay, dude is an Athenian poet. When we get him home safe, and sound, it turns out that the bandit’s killed dad! Sad. We find this out because Lykinos’s brother–some call him Tim–shows up to tell us. He’s all aggro about it, probably because Lykinos has been swanning around Athens writing poems instead of being there at home / fighting wars. Now I get to do favors for both of them.
Tim wants me to get some Athenian armor from a vendor, and this can’t possibly be as easy to do as it sounds. Lykinos wants revenge. Even Alexios sounds weary with that idea, because he’s trying to convince Lykinos nobody wants any more bloodshed. He agrees, that’s why he’s hiring me. Gee, thanks, fella.
I go to the merchant and it turns out that that dad sold his armor, or maybe this guy is trying to cheat me? Whatevs. Buy all the armor! I only spend money on upgrades (if I remember to) and paying off my own bounties anyway.
Armor in hand, I head off to dispatch the bandits. When I get to their camp, I find them besieged by a pack of wolves. Maybe if I sneak hard enough, the wolves will do all the work for me??? All right, I am not that lucky or good at sneaking, but these dudes aren’t that difficult. I find a letter in the camp that says dear old dad owed these bandits a lot of money. Loan sharkin’ it up again, I see. I wonder if there’s a bigger badder shark behind these guys?
Spoiler: There is not. I’m always overthinking these sidequest plots.
What I do know is that I’m apparently staying for this funeral even after revealing the truth of dad’s shady business dealings. Tim wants me to get oil for an offering, and Lykinos thinks I should get some wine. He seems confused about what the oil’s for though, and there’s a lot of tension between these bros. We shall see! I get both offerings and complete a location.
When I return to my friends, they are having a brotherly blow up, like brothers do. After I give them a pep talk about being there for one another, because they’re all they’ve got left, it is time to go. Or is it?
Because, are these bros vibing on Alexios, or is it just me? Well, Lykinos wants to meet up with me later anyway. Winkity, wink?? Like, the last dude that wanted to see me after a quest was complete, I ended up with a bed of rose petals.
Aaahahah. Lykinos wants to make me dinner. I TOLD you. First I have to hunt down some deers, and when I meet him it’s on this picturesque overlook at sunset. Geez. Well, played, poet man. Dinner and a view–I think this hits the sweet spot right between a overly-sentimental bed of rose petals and goat orgy. I actually like this guy, so let’s do it!
But first a chat about Lykinos being a lying liar who lies. See, turns out he didn’t come back just to visit the fam. Actually, he just failed at being an artist in the big city. He didn’t want to tell his family so as not to disappoint them, and he didn’t want to tell me, because he was trying to impress me. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do know, because he’s not exactly the fighting type. I tell him he should become a cook because this venison meal he’s made is A+++
Alright! Heart to heart over; we fade to black and return the next morning with Alexios all by himself again. Such is the life of a mercenary! It’s on to the next quest I suppose.
We are back! Not months and months later for once! Right now, I am questless, so it’s time to search out some more exclamation points and question marks! I find a temple of Posiden which is right next to some dudes practicing thier long jump, which is more like a hop. Are they training for the Olympics perhaps? I also find the wreck of the Argo in this area. You know, the ship Jason piloted. I do not find any golden fleeces here, just the guard that is chasing me around. After I collect all the treasure from Posiden’s temple, I run directly into the neighboring bandit camp.
Pause. Why are bandit’s setting up camp mere feet from a guard filled temple??? Well, these bold bandit’s team up with the guard’s chasing me, and it’s all a recipe for desyncronization. It doesn’t help that I keep hitting the button for calling Ikaros instead of the one for my sword. On the second go round, I’m succeeding, but trying not to kill any precious attack doggos. Luckily I don’t have to, because a wolf shows up to dispatch half the bandit camp and thier little dogs too. Thank you, wild doggo.
Just as I reach Korinth and some person in a camp with a timed quest—I open the quest screen to discover that I am not done with the brother’s post-quest meetups. Tim also wants to meet me apparently. Well, he should have said so with words instead of sidelong glances. I guess we can do a quick backtrack and “spar” with him. Hopefully that is not some sort of double entendre, but I also learn that thier questline is called A Brother’s Seduction, so—
Before I have to fight anybody, even if it ends up being romantic fighting, the game beseeches me to please! please! replace my gear with better stuff from my inventory, so let’s do that. Then, I have to steal a fishing boat with a bunch of sharks strapped to it, Old Man and the Sea style, because Tim is on some rocks in the middle of the water.
Okay, well, I can do hearts dialogue with this guy too, but I do not choose that, since I already did with Lykinos and it just doesn’t feel right. We’re just going to fight instead! The backstory here is that he used to spar with his dad on this rock out in the ocean, and he still comes there to be sad. He doesn’t seem to actually want to spar, so we’ll see how this goes.
Update!: So he has PTSD for sure. After Alexios beats him in the sparring match, he is clearly having flashbacks to some sort of trauma. He thinks he is going to lose control and murder me, and — Oh, god — timed choices. Crapness. Does it even matter, or am I going to truly cock thins up if I pick the wrong ones? I end up talking him down from the ledge in any case.
We get to also have a heart to heart. Turns out he did once lose control and murder a fellow during battle. Yikes, dude. That was why he was discharged from the army. He hid this from his dad, so he could make him proud. I comfort him until he feels better and then we stare stoically into the sunset, thinkin’ about all the murder we’ve perpetrated I presume.
After this, the game informs me that I should check up on the bros back at their house, so I guess we’ll do that. I get back on the sharkboat and paddle my way back to shore. When I get there , the place is trashed and Lykinos is crying in a corner. Dammit. The bandits abducted Tim. I have to go rescue him now!
Seriously, eff these bandits. They’re all going down! You want money, so leave all the money on the table and steal Tim??
Off I go to a new area of the map and the bandits are holed up in some giant fortress. I run around getting them all first, because I learned the hard way that they’ll just kill the prisoners that you free if you let them out before all the bandits are gone.
Hey, remember when I was wondering if there was a bigger loan shark? I found him. The actual bandit leader, not all the guys I just assassinated shows up. As it turns out, dear old dad was not only hitting up the loan sharks, but he was working for them as a smuggler too. One time he took money from them for gambling and they killed him for it. They never got the money back, so that’s why they’re hassling my boys. I should probably just stab these shady ne’er do wells , but instead I pay for the debts myself!
When I let Tim out, he doesn’t want to go because there are still bandits??? Some of the dudes I let out of cages are running around and they kill the last one that I didn’t find right as I arrive, and finally we get a cut scene of Alexios calming Tim down.
Once that is done, the boys thank Alexios and then start fighting over him. Tim never thought he would see happiness again like when he is with Alexios, and Lykinos thinks we’re soulmates. Oh, boy. Lol, I get options to choose one or the other, or neither. I choose neither, because—and I repeat, my heart belongs to the cute country doctor and/or the man-ho of Greece, Alkibiades. The bros are both super disappointed and walk away. Sorry, bros! I must keep moving on!
I head back to Korinthia, stopping to defeat a huntress camp and to see what quests I have in the queue already, I find one about helping a captain on a beach, so I head off in that direction. Along the way I learn that Alexios thinks carrying boats over land is a dumb idea. Clearly he and Fitzcarraldo have wildly different opinions on this. I arrive at the handsome pirate’s shore. Let’s see what he has going on.
Here’s the story… Soldiers have been taking out pirates. Obviously, I am on the side of the pirates in thi situation somehow. Cool. Well, anyway, this dude’s brother went out to take on the military and didn’t come back. I choose the cagey option when I reveal I know he got eaten by sharks. I don’t tell him that I visited his bro’s grave. (This is one of the graves I went to when that lady asked me her obtuse riddle last time.) This guy’s new plan is to build an unsinkable ship that surely the army won’t be able to defeat and thus his village will be saved.
Is his villiage the boat? Like—I’m pretty sure if the military wanted to exact revenge or something, they could just burn the village to the ground? His pirate crew cannot possibly be big enough to take on the entire Athenian navy? That’s neither here nor there. I’m just here to gather supplies! I have to collect only Olive wood, which I already have because I walk or swim everywhere and pick up everything along the way. (Sorry, Phobos! I love you, good horse-o, but I always forget you exist!)
Next I have to go get a protective eye from a shipwreck—If the eye is protective, then how come it’s in a shipwreck? Oh, well. Who am I to question lucky charms. Off we swim!
Okay, the eye was on pirate guy’s old ship. He’s sad about how the pirate ways led to such death, and Alexios advises him that maybe he could use Titanic II for other things besides piracy. He agrees and pays me the last of the pirate treasure for good measure. Alright!
Now, I learn that this dude was part of that old lady’s riddle quest. Why do these quest lines keep making me think I’m finished when I’m not? I supposed I’ll return to her and help the guy who’s brother got eaten by a lion? Let’s find out! Who is this woman??? IS she a goddess? She’s sending me to a volcano island now, and is curious to know about what my gathering wood and advising the dude to quit piracy says about my character. I mean, I’ll do it, because she’s behaving suspiciously witch/godlike. I mean, the prince got turned into a beast because he didn’t help the old lady in disguise, right? Volcano island it is!
But first, I have to retrieve a key from a graveyard hermit, because this quest has something to do with this lady’s locked vault. I return to the graveyard to meet the hermit, and he is also a weird duck. A weird duck who doesn’t have the key. He left it on a guarded island somewhere. Gee, thanks. I guess it’s time for a swim. Or not. It’s far enough away that I have to find a dock and call Barny.
As it turns out, this thing is guarded by lions. Is this the test? and not volcano island? Well, it is a location that requires me to kill the alpha lion so— I shoot them all accidentally with knockout arrows because I forgot I used up all the pointy ones. As it turns out, taming the alpha animal will also clear the location, so now I have a lion friend for as long as it takes me to get back to my boat I guess.
OMG. He came with me! Lol, I return to the old lady and lion friend materializes out of nowhere. Surprise, lady! I brought one with me! He’s off to go fight the guards that were chasing me, so I’m afraid he wont be long for this world after all. Alas.
I return the key and learn that I am going to Haephestus’s foundry to find a helmet and not a volcano…thought I guess it could also be a volcano. I am ready as I’ll ever be, lady! Let’s do it!
It is that time again. Time to do battle over in Hephaistos’s molten island. To what end? I don’t know, because this old lady asked us to I guess. Let us put and end to this quest and see what’s up. Unfortunately, there are no fast travel points anywhere near this island, so off to Barny we go, me and Lions McGee who is still following me around town. I feel I should let it be known that Herodotus is still just sitting around the boat, because I went to an Egypt exhibit last week, and it had me wondering where he’d gone off to. I make it to the island, which is indeed an active volcano situation. Lions follows me. I feel like I should free him before I get him killed, but this barren place isn’t where I should do that. Luckily he doesn’t follow me into this huge hole that I have to jump into. Of course, I immediately fall directly into lava and die. Cool beans! (baked beans?)
There are a bunch of bandits down here that also kill me. Time to try again!
Bandits defeated, and I am apparently in a booby trapped tomb again. I do find a couple chicken eggs though, so there’s that. I also find some pamphlets strewn about telling the tales of the woman, Gorgophone— Surely this means something, since Alexios usually doesn’t read these things aloud like he’s doing here. Most parchments filled with interesting learnin’ info sits dormant in my inventory. Well, I’ve been all through this dungeon and haven’t found the helmet I’m looking for, but I did get a cool trident. I find some walls to climb and I think I’m back on track now. I find an even bigger treasure room with a giant eagle statue in it. Obviously, I was destined for this loot! Let’s peep this mythical helmet.
“This helmet seems common, but it was well hidden” It is Gorgophone’s helmet, so that explains why I got to learn all about her.
I’m telling you, this is all a suspiciously godessly quest. Is my quest giver going to imbue this thing with awesome goddess powers? I hope so. In any case, Lions McGee is waiting for me to come out of the volcano. What a good boy! I return to Korinth and run to the nearest woody hilltop and let Lions free!
Time to visit the mysterious lady now and hope that there isn’t another leg to this quest.
Okay, well this is the end of the quest, but not before she makes me take a stab at guessing who she is. All this shady trickery is not alleviating my impression that she’s an actual goddess, so Obviously, I guess that she’s definitely Athena for reals and not some sneaky pretender. I get to keep Gorgophone’s helmet, which is at the very least better than the one I’m currently wearing. I also get an owl feather for my troubles. Which is a quest item—is this sidequest part of a bigger sidequest now??? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I am heading directly to where Alkibiades told me now. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.