Alexios vs. the Volcano

It is that time again. Time to do battle over in Hephaistos’s molten island. To what end? I don’t know, because this old lady asked us to I guess. Let us put and end to this quest and see what’s up. Unfortunately, there are no fast travel points anywhere near this island, so off to Barny we go, me and Lions McGee who is still following me around town.  I feel I should let it be known that Herodotus is still just sitting around the boat, because I went to an Egypt exhibit last week, and it had me wondering where he’d gone off to. I make it to the island, which is indeed an active volcano situation. Lions follows me. I feel like I should free him before I get him killed, but this barren place isn’t where I should do that. Luckily he doesn’t follow me into this huge hole that I have to jump into. Of course, I immediately fall directly into lava and die. Cool beans! (baked beans?) 

There are a bunch of bandits down here that also kill me. Time to try again!

Bandits defeated, and I am apparently in a booby trapped tomb again. I do find a couple chicken eggs though, so there’s that. I also find some pamphlets strewn about telling the tales of the woman, Gorgophone— Surely this means something, since Alexios usually doesn’t read these things aloud like he’s doing here. Most parchments filled with interesting learnin’ info sits dormant in my inventory. Well, I’ve been all through this dungeon and haven’t found the helmet I’m looking for, but I did get a cool trident. I find some walls to climb and I think I’m back on track now. I find an even bigger treasure room with a giant eagle statue in it. Obviously, I was destined for this loot! Let’s peep this mythical helmet.

“This helmet seems common, but it was well hidden” It is Gorgophone’s helmet, so that explains why I got to learn all about her.

I’m telling you, this is all a suspiciously godessly quest. Is my quest giver going to imbue this thing with awesome goddess powers? I hope so. In any case, Lions McGee is waiting for me to come out of the volcano. What a good boy! I return to Korinth and run to the nearest woody hilltop and let Lions free! 

Time to visit the mysterious lady now and hope that there isn’t another leg to this quest.

Okay, well this is the end of the quest, but not before she makes me take a stab at guessing who she is. All this shady trickery is not alleviating my impression that she’s an actual goddess, so Obviously, I guess that she’s definitely Athena for reals and not some sneaky pretender.  I get to keep Gorgophone’s helmet, which is at the very least better than the one I’m currently wearing. I also get an owl feather for my troubles. Which is a quest item—is this sidequest part of a bigger sidequest now??? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I am heading directly to where Alkibiades told me now. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. 

The Handsomest Man in all of Greece

I Know, I know, It’s Been 84 Years, etc…

Note: I wrote this one well before the holidays and am just now getting to posting, for the record!

What Are You Up To, Kleon?

What Are You Up To, Kleon?

We’re out to help Kleon today now that they Symposium is over! Let’s see what kind of job he has to offer. Probably not the drunken orgies that Perikles and Co. had for me, but, hey—you never know! Let’s go raid some Spartan camps! (As is Kleon’s wish, if you remember that far back.) That being finished, I go back to Kleon, with a note from a Spartan polemarch about further secret missions for Athens that Kleon is engaging in. Of course, this isn’t the end of his quest for me. I now have to rescue a messenger at a quarry. Come to find out that he is dead, but I do managed to rescue a sea captain who is also in on the plan. They are all being very hush hush about what is on his ship, and that makes me really suspicious. Better I don’t know? I beg to differ!

Well, not only was this guy captured, but so was his entire crew. I have to rescue them and then go defeat some Spartan ships, and maybe I have discovered the reason we parked in some random cove…because my ship is right there for me to swim to! Barnabus lets me know I have a message about a lead on some cultists, which I will check out later, and I make short work of the ship and head on back to see if maybe these dudes will tell me something!

Nope, nobody tells me anything. Maybe I have doomed all of Athens by helping these guys, or doomed somebody else. Who knows? Mayhaps it doesn’t actually matter since most of the time there is just an illusion of choice. Heh. I mean, I can go about raiding all of Athens and it doesn’t seem to affect much in the way of interactions.

In fact, let’s go on a side quest now that I’m done with Kleon. I know I said I was going to Korinth, but you know me. There was never a spot on the map that I ever want to pass up! So, I accidentally run through a restricted area and get chased by some guards all the way to my exclamation point destination. Let’s see who it is!

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Dudes being Bros

Ooo, boy. It is none other than Alkibiades and his bud Sokrates. They are still at it. Sokrates is talking and talking and Alkibiades is flirting and flirting. What kind of shenanigans are they up to? Well, Alkibiades wants me to help his friend become a citizen by sneaking into a place and signing his name to a thing. Alright, seems easy enough, yes? I think my abilities of sneaking have been way over estimated by the game. Quest completed though. I return to Alkibiades and he gets a new exclamation point above his head. Dude. What now???

Well, I have to find a witness, for this citizenship; a “handsome” dude named Peiroos. Neither I nor Ace here can be the witness, because he is a friend and I am not a citizen, but I should be careful not to get too distracted by Peiroos handsomeness. I think I can manage. What I don’t think I can manage is not giving this guy the nickname “Poos”. Hahaha. I am 12. Anyway, I just get some vague directions to find him; the quest isn’t going to lead me directly there this time. I guess I will just look out for the too handsome dude.

And OMG, I keep running into this restricted area. I am not meaning to do this, just there’s these big steps leading up to this temple and regular citizens are just running around there all willy-nilly. Why can’t I? Boo!

So Handsome!

I Got This.


But I Was Expecting This

Well, it’s this guy. Lol. Okay, if you say so, Ace. I have a feeling that every person that walks into his eyeline is probably the most attractive person in Greece in that particular moment. Anyway, Peiroos doesn’t want to help. Sophanes, he’s the dude I’m helping with the citizenship and here I am still on this quest so I guess I’ll remember his name for a minute. Anyway, he’s a betrayer who turned on his own troops or something. According to Peiroos he doesn’t deserve citizenship. Great. Now what? Fine, I’ll bribe him…pay for his debt with this huge pile of drachmae I have that I never spend on anything. Surprisingly this bribe works without me having to do any more favors. Ok, I guess I will find out what damaged I’ve wrought later if any.

Reporting my success to Alkibiades, I give him some shit for not telling me all of the deets about Sophanes apparent treachery. At least I can grumble at somebody for it, if I can’t grumble at Kleon. He says he didn’t think I would care, but now he knows. Have I rebuffed Alcibiades too many times now?  Who knows, but he believes in second chances. Me too. When he leaves Sokrates and I rap about whether good people can become bad or bad people can become good, and can we predict anything about it. Alexios seems relieved when Sokrates finally bows out of the discussion leaving it for a later date.

I guess the later date is now, because the next exclamation point is leading me to Sokrates who has apparently transported himself all the way across town instantaneously. So, Sokrates is in an argument with some playwright named Aristophanes (Fannies?) about Kleon and another dude name Hermippos. Apparently Hermippos (Hippos obvs.) thinks Kleon is the bees knees and isn’t afraid to shout it from the rooftops, and Aristophanes is done with it. Not sure what Sokrates can do about it, but I’m sure we will find out.

Sokrates and Aristophanes?

Stop Hippos!

Ok, the short of it is Sokrates is down with freedom of speech. Aristophanes thinks some people should shut-up already. Even Sokrates. Anyway, I’m going to be hired to find Hermippos so Aristophanes can give him the what for. 

I get some more vague directions, but I’m pretty sure I already tried to break into his house earlier when I was completing locations. Yep, I did. He does have quite the suspicious amount of guards and huge villa for a playwright. I find a note from Kleon about his play and some huge amounts of money just laying about, and the cherry on top is this Cult of Kosmos mask. *Gasp* Something culty is afoot here after all! And here, I thought Aristophanes was full of shit. Let’s get him! There is another cultist in Athens and my map tells me I will find clues in the quarry, so I’m going to go back there and see what’s up.

My map lies! Ok, well, not quite. I’m supposed to do favors for nearby people and maybe I will stumble upon the clues somehow. Instead, I ignore that little notation and head directly to the quarry to complete the location with much effort and dying and it got me nothing except a check mark and some armor that is a lower level than the armor I already have on. I stayed up way past my bedtime for this? Yay? 

I go in search of a maybe helpful quest and take on some bounties that I’m not sure I’ll finish. I get a mission to collect some seals from some Spartan polemarches in some forts and also realize I have a finished quest that hasn’t been completed because I didn’t go back and talk to the dude that gave it to me yet. I think I got distracted by the magical spear upgrady machine. Anyway, I head on back to the beach where I first landed to help my twice not!brother, brother. I cause troubles at some forts to collect my one part of the required goods. 

After raiding several more forts I have now realized that they are Athenian, and that is the reason I’m not getting the special quest required polemarch seals. Uuuuuggghhh. Self. C’mon! I am going back to Athens, there’s lots of Spartans in that area. 

In search of forts, I do find another human sacrificing faction in a cave. Nothing to do with the Kosmos cult, these guys are Pan fans, they’ve got the sacrificial altar and a pit of blood. I fail at sneaking and basically have to pick them off with my arrows whilst trying running backwards around and around in a circle through the cave tunnels. This tactic somehow manages to work without me being desynchronized once. Phew.

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Old Friend, New Trouble

I do a few more quests and meet up with a former fellow mercenary, Heitor, who is now one of those dudes that runs a weapon store. I still have not managed to procure another polemarch seal, but that is for another day apparently. Anyway, this guy wants me to get his very special sword back for him from this huge, well guarded Athenian fort. Cool. I do that, but in doing so learn that he actually probably sold the sword to the Captain there. He, of course, admits nothing, but whatever. Team Merc. 

NOW, he wants me to save his friend who has been captured, which I agree to, but who knows. He probably sold this guy too. Harumph. On the way I run into some lady who gives me a sob story about her play being banned for being just toooo dramatic, you guys. It brought all the soldiers to tears and they stole it so no warrior would ever be overcome with such emotion again, she is just so talented. She doesn’t want me to rescue her play from the sad soldiers, but she does want money, which I give her. I’ll take the easy XPs, whatever. I’m fairly certain this was a con. *shrug*

Anyway, I go through all the trouble of rescuing this guy in less than stealthy fashion and get him down to a boat where Heitor is waiting…to kill him. Uuuuuugh. Why? Because this guy was shackin’ it up with his wife and she ended up dying when she got in between their fighting. A love triangle gone awry. 

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Let’s All Just Enjoy the Sunset and Forgive Each Other, Eh?

Guys. Stop. Think it through, my mans. I tell them nothing is going to bring her back and somehow convince them to part ways without bloodshed for once. Yay! Now let’s clear some more locations before we move on. I mean, I haven’t quite forgotten that I’m looking for my mom this time, so I clearly have more busy work to do!

Oh yeah, the Seals guy. I think I finally gave him the seals and now he wants me to find more seals. To be honest, I’ve kind of lost the plot with this guy, but I’ll keep him on mind as I’m going on this next quest to the Silver Islands. I don’t remember where I picked this one up, but I’ve been hired to aid a failing rebellion on Myknonos! Let us be off! I have my crew drop me off away from civilization because I saw a dot in the distance sitting on a beach and I wanted to check it out.

Beach Bear

Levitating Bears; Up to No Good!

It is a bear! I don’t really want to kill this bear, because on one hand he is pretty, but on the other hand the beach is littered with dead guys. Clearly, this bear is a trouble maker like me. Once that is done, I explore his cave which doesn’t really yield any good treasure. I do come to the realization as I crest a nearby hill that I am not in fact on Mykanos at all. Ah well, Let’s explore this island while I’m here I guess. I am on the sacred Lands of Artemis on Delos island…part of the Silver islands it turns out. It is a beautiful place with purple flowers all over. This one speaks to me. Maybe I can retire here, but probably not I’m sure someone with a spear is going to chase me away soon enough. (This last sentence in retrospect…oh boy. In my headcannon, My only mercenary retirement plan this Alexios has is this, and the only kids he will be having are the baby voyeur goats that I will be raising with Alkibiades, history be damned! Cute country doctor and Sokrates can come too.)

I move on to the next section called the Birthplace of Apollo where I find more people, a terrace of Lions and a Sacred Lake. Obviously, I must defile the sacred lake, because surely this place must have treasure at the bottom even though it isn’t a marked location. I am right for once when I find a bunch of loot and a sword down there. Haha!

Hello, Kira.

Greetings from Kira

Bless! I am finally on Mykanos where I find out some guy is basically being a dick all over the place. We’ll call him Murdery von Taxation since I forgot his name. I really forget the specifics because all this happened last week So, so, very long ago, and I didn’t write anything down. Does he have a name? Is he a cultist? Perhaps. Perhaps I am just here to help Kira on her quest to bring him down. Anyhow, she has me running around meeting her places and investigating stuff, but I run into a beggar lady first who, as it turns out has some secrets to unload on me.

You see, she was once Kira’s nurse, or something, and Kira’s mother was Murdery’s mistress. When he found out she had a kid, he came around to kill her, and succeeded. The nurse absconded with Kira and didn’t even tell her any of this. So, now I have to tell her that the man she’s vowed to take down is her very own father. I know the feel, girl. My dad threw me off a cliff! I think that’s where I left it.

 Okay, so, I have absolutely no idea what happened because I played a little and then went on a long vacation to the heart of it all (Ohio) and yeah. I’m pretty sure I told Kira the secret and tried to console her and then we took down her dad, there’s no guarantee that that is going to do anything to help the situation. Someone higher up the chain might just come and be just as terrible to the townsfolk, but I’m just going to assume my job is done and get on with the questing.  (Unless I haven’t, in fact, finished this quest, in which case…I’ll do that!)

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Search Query Roundup!

I’m am still here!  I’ve been taking a break reading other things and haven’t blogged at you in a while. Mostly because, even though I still have half a book to go, it feels like everybody is about to perish so I’ve been avoiding it and catching up on my reading list.  ( I hope you already knew that and it’s not a spoiler!  If not, can I join you beneath that rock?)

So, to refresh my memory, and because I feel bad for not having all the answers, I’ve trawled through my search query webstats to see what’s bringing people around here and concocted a sort of Q&A.

The rules are: I won’t search anything myself or answer queries for just a character’s name because A. It’s more fun when I have no idea what I’m talking about and B. Most of them are Les Miserables / Dr. Who related searches, and, really, if you don’t know who Courfeyrac is by now, you’re not paying attention. (Because Courfeyrac is everywhere!)

Though, I will give a shout-out for whomever is checking for Royol! (This is Mabeuf’s non-Marius, non-Housekeeping, non-Sultan the Cat friend, aka the bookseller for the record)

Without further ado, the 29 most answerable queries in my webstats!

1. Official TARDIS blue:

I feel like there is probably an official colour, but it hasn’t always been the same one through the years. This unhelpful answer has been brought to you by the colour blue and the letter T.

2. Les Miserables Nun Sleep Coffin:

I share your confusion, searcher. I suspect something is lost in translation, like the melon jackets, the fierce mustaches, and the rash waistcoats, but there’s no way I can be sure unless I wake up tomorrow French and read the original manuscript then research the sleeping habits of nuns in 19th century France. Maybe their beds are called coffins? Their bedrooms are called cells after all. As it stands this particular nun was buried in the coffin she slept in, and I think I’m just going to have to take that at face value.

3. Was Baron Pontmercy right to give up Marius so he could have a bigger inheritance.

Wow, going for the big questions here, I see. I’m afraid there is no definitive answer to that one, my friend. It is pretty much up to you whether or not you think it was right or not. Everybody involved loves Marius and thinks they were doing what was best for him either way. It’s not like Georges kicked the child to the curb and went along his merry bachelor way.

Personally, because I know you searched all of the internet to find out about my personal opinions, I feel that someone is wrong at least, despite intentions. His name begins with “G” and ends with “illenormand” (and his first name is not Théodule) for the record. Not for giving Marius a chance at an upbringing with more opportunity, but did he really have to cut Georges out and badmouth him in front of the kid?

As for Georges, well, he is the one with the fab garden. Take from that what you will.

I have to wonder though, what would Marius have turned out like had he grown up with his dad instead of Grandpa G.? He probably would never have crossed paths with the Eagle of Meaux or been in law school at all or spotted Cosette at the Luxembourg Garden. Just something to ponder for your next search query.

4. Weeping Angel background trick.

Is it sawing a lady in half? Escaping from a straightjacket while submerged in a tank of water? I’m afraid I’m not really up to par on my weeping angles lore. They aren’t my favourite Dr. Who baddies. In fact, they kind of bore me these days. Sorry! Wake me up when the Cheetah People make a comeback.

5. Who is Mother Plutarch in Les Misérables

I know this one! She is Church Warden Mabeuf’s houskeeper! Her cat’s name is Sultan, and they have matching whiskers! (These are the things I remember when I write things down…which is my entire purpose for blogging about this book!)

Also, I think this is the perfect place for me to express my desire for someone to write a fic from the POV of Sultan the cat. It could be like Blitzcat for the July Revolution. (If someone writes this, they better tell me!)
6. For all Paris of America questions, please see the about section!

7. doctor who protest button

*spoilers* This is the from a glorious space whale episode. (Space whales are always glorious and majestic, not the episode necessarily.)

You see after the Earth has become uninhabitable, the human race has taken to the stars upon the backs of space whales. The humans believe these creatures must be controlled by cracking open their whale skulls and zapping them directly in the brain with electricity.

Every year the population views a video about the torture this poor creature must endure and either votes to protest or forget. The protesters get flushed and become space whale food. How humans know that Space Whales will eat people is beyond me. It’s not like they have a ready food supply of them out in space where they lived before they came to Earth.

Anyway, turns out the whales just wanted to help, and we totally didn’t have to brain zap them.

In short, the human race is the worst, and we never ever learn. This seems to be a recurring theme throughout all of history, fictional and non-fictional. (But we will never learn, because we are the worst.)

P.S. Hopefully you found the actual answer to this really vague search in the recap.
8. mademoiselle gillenormand pronunciation of the name

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you already know how to pronounce Mademoiselle. Without looking it up, I’m going to guess Gillenormand probably sounds a lot like it looks, except the D is maybe silent? Am I right? I don’t know. I took German in high school and Double LLs can be tricky. Sometimes they make L sounds, sometimes they make Y sounds, sometimes they sound like whatever that sound is that they’re supposed to sound like at the beginning of a word in Welsh.

Sorry for the lack of help here. On to the next resource where you find an audio clip of someone actually saying Gillenormand!

9. policelady

A female law enforcement officer.
10. what is the relationship between colonel baron pontmercy and m. gillenormand


Just kidding. never got to see them meet in the book, though that might be something interesting to explore. Get on it fic writers of the world! 😉 I imagine there would possibly be a lot of sarcasm and angry cane waving involved. As for the real answer instead of the smartarse one:

Georges married M. Gillenormand’s youngest daughter, who is no longer living and is an entirely different person than the Eldest daughter who lives with him.

Short answer: M. Gillenormand is Colonel Baron Pontmercy’s father-in-law and Marius’s maternal grandfather.
11. les pieds en l’air


I broke the rule and looked this up because I wanted see if this actually meant shoes in the air like I thought it did. It means feet in the air apparently. I was surprisingly close for someone who doesn’t know a damn lick of French.

Also, after going back and re-reading the last few entries, I now realize that this is also a dude that is in Patron Minette. I am sorry, Bizarro, but your “best nickname” status has now been revoked! I’ll just leave it up to your imagination why this guy has such a name though.

12. She Bit Him

I don’t know what you’re looking for!

13. Guns and Butterflies

Rejected names for that band Slash was in?

14. leaf occasion meaux

I have no idea, but it sounds like some kind of really formal Autumn festival that takes place in Meaux.

15. another word for waistcoat

I think the word you’re looking for is probably vest.
16. judd nelson nostrils

This isn’t really a question. It’s more of a statement of fact. I think I may have unlocked some sort of 80’s nostalgia achievement if this one brought somebody to my website.

17. clear drinks

Water, Sprite, Vodka… Crystal Pepsi?

18. dak dak altar

This is the version of Duck Duck Goose that I play in church.

And a Question from the old archives that I thought I deleted, but apparently didn’t and comments are still open:

19. Which of these happened at the trial Madeleine’s hair turns white he lost the tip of his finger he was unable to speak or his hands become numb and useless.

You guys are just looking for an answers to your homework / take home exams aren’t you? Okay, sure. It’s the first one. Or is it??? 😉

20. Why did Marius keep two suits

I had no idea this was in any way some sort of interesting plot point, because there were a few different searches for this last month. Perhaps I’m missing something deeply symbolic, or this was a question on someone’s homework to make sure they’re actually reading the book, but I just thought he had two suits so he has something to wear if the other one is out of commission for some reason.

He does have a dark green one that he wears for mourning his dad, and I know he’s not happy with that because it’s not appropriately black enough for mourning, so he only goes out at night for some period of time. And there is his best suit he wears to impress Cosette. I’m not sure if this is the same suit though. Other than that, I don’t know.

22. I’ll Black Your Boots

What are things that Grantaire will do for Enjolras?

This category also includes “Anything”.

And I’m pretty sure this has no greater meaning that a literal shoe shine, like he will literally get down on the ground and do whatever menial task this guy will ask him to do which is how I read it. It feels like a some of these things Grantaire says are straddling a line between sarcasm and sincerity. They really could go either way, so read it as you will. I could totally be wrong though, I admit it. I’m going with sincerity, but I’m no scholar so I shall leave it up to you!

23. great napoleon. his life, teenage days how he grew up etc.

Dude, just look this up on Wikipedia, or you know, that building where you can check out books. For free. Like, biographies and stuff. What’s it called? A library?

24. how does marius know the young lady name isn ursula after all

I’m guessing it’s just his conjecture once Valejean gives his name to Thenardier as “Urbaine Fabre” Marius isn’t dumb, and it’s a pretty reasonable assumption, I think.

26. people are crazy love reading lol go fetch gee omg turkey dinner ogre donkey

This feels like a search for some very specific Shrek Thanksgiving Fanfiction or something. Which you will not find here, sorry!

27. what did gillenormand find in a small black box

Georges’s note passing on his title of Baron to Marius.

28. what went wrong with the plan to get jean valjean out of the coffin

Murphy’s Law, man.

29. why was marius shocked when jondrette revealed his identity to m. leblanc

If you will remember, Georges left instruction for him to find and aid in any way possible the man who saved his life at Waterloo. This is Thenardier. Marius had been spending two or five or however many years searching for this man, and it turns out he’d been living next door to the guy the entire time.

That is pretty shocking, I’d have to say.

Also shocking, this supposedly amazing guy that saved his dad, is now attempting to extort and/or murder Cosette’s dad. All in all, this was a particularly rough day for our good friend Marius, probably ranking up there with the time he got kicked out of Grandpa G.’s home and the time Mabeuf told him that his dad wasn’t actually a horrible child abandoning beast monster, or the time he accidentally got Bossuet kicked out of law school, or the other time he got kicked out of his home for not paying rent, or the time he totally embarrassed himself about Napoleon in front of all his new friends…

Wait, has Marius had an actual good days so far?

And that is all!

Hopefully I will be able to get back to reading soon!  I think Marius is finally going to meet Cosette in my next chapter to read, so that should be interesting.

Until next time!